apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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