i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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