I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
