I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
