make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
