A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
