Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
