I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
