i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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