worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
