I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
