According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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