hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Randomize
