we have officially lost it.
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
