i don't plan on having that self control this summer
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
