ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
