The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
