dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
