Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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