News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
