we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
mondays should just be called national damage control day
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize