yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
