im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
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