Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
