she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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