So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
