Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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