It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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