Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
