I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
