I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
