I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
