she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
