i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
