U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize