Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
