Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
