you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
