Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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