I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
