my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
