I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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