I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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