i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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