Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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