First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
