My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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