it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
