how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
