Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
