I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
