Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
