i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
