No I am not eating basil off your cock
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
