spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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