They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize