walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
