there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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