Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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