Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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