I'm drive I can fine osifer
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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