It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
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