just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize