I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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