Your tits are I can't wait for
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize