the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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